I got older and I felt invisible. Then I was single for years. I felt like men looked past me. I started feeling lonely. Not being touched. Or not having any form of affection was heavy. Here is how I got back in the game.
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I have been single for almost 10 years. Divorced. My kids are grown. My house is quiet in a way it never used to be. No one has meant a hug for me in a very long time.
I did not lose a man. I lost the feeling of being one of the women men look at. It happened slowly. One morning at the register, the cashier did not look up. I stood there for a long moment before I heard myself say hello. He looked up then. He said sorry. I said it was fine. I did not tell anyone.
Somewhere in my late 40s I stopped trying. Not on purpose. The little things that felt fine at 42 got heavy at 48. Dinner alone. Weekends alone. And the ache of not being touched on purpose. Not brushed past. Not cuddled up next to someone at night. Touched. Because they wanted to.
I do not miss the sex. I mean I do. But even more than that, I miss being chosen. That is the line I could never say out loud to anyone. I felt myself getting smaller. I felt myself giving up.
Then last spring a friend of mine came for coffee. She is 6 years older than me and she looked lit up. I asked her what changed. She told me about 5 small things she had done in her own life the year before. Nothing crazy. Nothing you would find in a book. Small things. Things that felt too simple to work. I tried them because at that point I had nothing to lose. Here are the 5 that got me back in the game.
"51. divorced. put this on for a work thing and one of the guys who never says anything to me came over and asked if i was new. haha. new. worth it. also love the ebooks" Petra
Here are 5 tips. If you are in the place I was in last spring, start with number 1 today. Not tomorrow. Today.
1) Stop telling yourself the story that you are invisible.
I did that for years. I walked into rooms already sure I was invisible. So I was. I was the one telling myself I was. My friend told me the truth. You did not get less. You got real. You do not have to pretend for men anymore. You get to just BE yourself. When someone looks at you now, it is because they see YOU. Not the girl. Not an object. You. That is not a bad thing. That is the good part. Older women get seen. The trick is to walk in like you know it.
2) Come back to your own body.
Sex appeal is not about size. It is not about looks. It is not about the woman you were at 22. It is deeper than that. It is spiritual. It is the energy you give off. It is in the way you sit down and cross your legs like you like the way it feels. It is in the small things you do that are just for you. Not for anyone to see. When you love your own body again, people feel it. They cannot say why. They just do. That is what pulls a man toward you. Not the dress. Not the hair. The way you carry your own body like it is worth something.
3) Say yes to the younger man who is right in front of you.
I know. I did not want to say yes at first either. I thought it was a joke. Or he was making fun of me. He was not. Younger men still see you. They are full of want. The reason more of them do not come up to you is that they do not want to be rude. They are 34. You are 52. They are being polite. So when one does come up, and he is looking at you like you are new to him, do not brush him off. Show you are open. Signal. Say yes to the coffee. Say yes to the drink. See what happens. A friend, 46, is now with a man 13 years younger. He treats her like she is his everything.
4) Give one small compliment to a stranger. Every day.
Just one. Her scarf. His watch. Her book. Say it in the shop. Say it on the bus. Say it in line for coffee. That is it. Small. Real. Move on. This is not about them. It is about you. It gets you used to speaking to people you do not know. It gets you used to being the one who starts a moment. And when a man does look at you next week, or the week after, you will not freeze up. You will already know how to be in a room with a stranger. And own it. This one is small but it works. It works fast.
5) Wear the thing that makes strangers turn.
The last thing I did was for me. Not for a man. Not for a night out. For a Tuesday. I put on a scent I had been saving for a day that never came. And I wore it. To the corner store. To my dentist. To a walk on my own. On the third day a woman I did not know leaned over at the bakery and asked what I was wearing. Then a man at the door held it open for me and looked at me like I was somebody. Then a younger man at the coffee shop just kept looking over. Not once. Three times in a week. That was after a whole year of nobody. I do not know if it was the scent. I know it was the day I started walking around like I was worth being seen.
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One of us walks into a room and no one looks up. One of us shares a bed with a man who stopped noticing. Different silences. Same fix. Take yours. Keep both.
Single, and feeling invisible
Invisible? Good. Why it drives men into obsession
Invisibility is a superpower. Finally, we do not have to set up an act.
You are in control and in power. Keep that in mind for the rest of your spiritual journey.
Threesomes, foursomes. Me alone with multiple men. Also younger, more energetic ones. They just like to prove themselves. Ha!
I own it. I needed it. It was part of my spiritual growth.
In a relationship that has gone quiet
Secrets that will make him kiss your feet
You are in power. You have power and control over your life.
Do you remember when he was chasing you? You were novel; it was an adventure.
He wants the vagina. You basically want to train that dog to be a good man again.
Put him on pause. He won’t get what he wants for days or a week. Teach them to respect.
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